By: Spencer Collins
All the things you’re thinking while watching The Bachelorette, but don’t want to say.
The episode starts with men yelling JoJo’s name from the balcony. I can’t handle this. This is not Romeo and Juliet. NO ONE YELLS FROM A BALCONY. (excuse my yelling.)
Finally time for the dates!
The first date card is for Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F, Wells and Robby. The date card reads “Let’s heat things up.” The men hear an explosion outside the mansion and walk out to see a limo on fire. Grant, where you at?
JoJo shows up in firetruck with a firefighter’s outfit on and I’m reminded of Halloween during college. Serious, who still dresses up like this? JoJo puts out the fire then everyone heads out to their actual date.
They are at a “fire academy” because JoJo wants to see who can “take care of her during an emergency situation.”
This is Grant’s date to lose, you know, considering he’s a firefighter and all. Everyone does fine, except for Wells. Poor guy is almost passing out, because all the gear probably weighs as much as him.
However, in the end, he ends up in the top three along with Grant (surprise, surprise) and Luke.
Grant of course wins and Luke pouts (I have a feeling this is going to be a common theme this season whenever he doesn’t get time with JoJo.)
Grant is supposed to get extra time with JoJo for winning the challenge, but it doesn’t seem like his time is any longer than anyone else’s. He does get a kiss though.
Wells gets 1 on 1 time too and shows her pictures of her life and makes her laugh A LOT. Score for him. I’m pretty sure he’s getting the rose.
Luke gets time with her after we listen to him whine and they have a major make out sesh.
Wells gets the group date rose and Luke says he’s “hurt.” Boo hoo.
P.S. I like how we just casually hear one line about how Evan has kids. He clearly isn’t sticking around too long if this is all we hear about it.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Chad is doing pullups with a weight belt attached to his suitcase.
All the other guys are making up a song to sing to JoJo. This also reminds me of college when fraternities serenaded the sororities.
The next date card comes and Derek gets the first one on one.
The card reads, “Love is full of choices.”
- The first choice-- sky or sea? The two pick sky and head to an air field.
- Their next choice-- north or south? They pick north and obviously head to San Francisco.
- The final choice- Golden Gate Bridge or Lombard street? If you have been to San Francisco, you know this is an OBVIOUS choice. Golden Gate Bridge.
Later at dinner, the two talk about how they have been closed off since their last relationship. We learn Derek was ready to get married, but his girlfriend had someone on the side. He says he is so glad JoJo can relate. (ummmm she was dating someone for 8 weeks who was also dating 24 other women. I’m not sure this was the same.)
Derek gets the rose.
I didn’t remember who he was after the first week, but I realize he’s the perfect “normal guy.” My 17-year-old sister seems to agree.
Cut back to the house and there is more singing going on.
Chad says people thinks he’s a jerk, but in the end, he’s nice and everyone else who seems nice is actually a jerk.
The final group date is for Jordan, Christian, Nick, James T, Alex, and Chad. This means three guys didn’t get a date this week.
So what does Chad say to them?
“You’ve gone a full life without seeing JoJo. You can’t wait another week?”
No Chad, you’re definitely not a jerk. Ugh.
Anyways, back to the date.
The date card reads “Prove your love for me and the nation”
The group heads to the Los Angeles, ESPN studios to hang out with Max and Marcellus from Sports Nation. They are creating their own power rankings for JoJo.
The men have to do (embarrassing) touchdown dances, propose to JoJo, and also answer questions during a “press conference.”
All the guys tell JoJo everything they “love” about her during the proposal. All the guys except Chad. Instead he just says “Will you marry me?” She jokes that she wants to hear what he loves about her first and Chad then proceeds to tell her she’s getting a little naggy.
SEND HIM HOME, GIRL! Not a good look this early in the game.
For some reason, this makes JoJo like Chad more for his “honesty.”
I get it, Chad is being honest about not knowing what he loves about JoJo after a week. But come on dude, you didn’t actually propose to her did you?!?! So either fake your compliments or don’t propose.
In the end, James comes out on top of the Power Rankings.
Later in the night, James reads JoJo a note he wrote for her. She cries.
Chad talks about the death of his mother six months ago and JoJo is thankful he came on the show so early after her passing. The two kiss and make wishes into a wishing well. Chad says he’s giddy now and has real feelings. I still hate him.
James gets the group date rose.
I couldn’t even handle the cocktail party. It’s 25 minutes of 20 guys complaining about Chad and Chad either eating all the meat or stealing time with JoJo away from other guys.
We get our first threat from Chad when he tells Alex he’s going to lose his teeth.
The only good part of the night—since Chase didn’t get a date he creates a mini date with snow and beer. I love him.
In the end, James S, Brandon, and Will don’t get a rose.
Next week we get a two-night special on Monday and Tuesday. I can barely contain my excitement. However, there’s more drama with Chad and this time it gets bloody.
All I’m asking for is MORE JORDAN!
Let me know what you thought about the episode and who your favorites are!